The realization hit right in the middle of my face..

Ever since I was a small kid, I'd always felt that I was different from the rest of the gang. I never did the right thing, never said the right word and never acted the way that was expected of me. Somehow, even as a kid I've always find that if I try to meet people's expectation of me, it'll only leave them asking for more. And when I reach the stage where I just couldn't keep up to their standard and requirements any longer, they're gonna be awfully disappointed in me, and decide I'm not worthy of their attention at all. And where will that leave me? Suffering with a greater pain than that is endurable. Thus deciding that no human on earth is ever worthy of my deference, I stick up to doing what I want and not what they want me to.

So far, I've succeeded in hopping joyfully along that path....

Growing up, I tried and tried to find myself and the meaning of my existence. Countless of times, I've lost my way through the journey. Questions upon questions kept on surfacing in my confused mind.Was I delivered to the earth to bring joy to people around me? Do I matter to one people or another? Does my existence brought with it any meaning to other people's life?

However, after innumerable painful mistakes made, I came to realize that my existance does not affect a single soul, not even in the teeniest way imagineable.

So I ask myself, why bother? Why not create your own world where you will be the only one matters in it? It'll give you total rapture to be the most important being to the only one who matters to you - that is - YOUR.SELF.

Arriving to that conclusion, I started acting on it. And then, they started calling me a self-centered b*tch.

But somehow, I've always known that it'll turn out that way...one way or another.

And so I ask myself again, why bother?....

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Oh, I so long for that secret land where the simplest thing like the smell of roses after a downpour brings the greatest joy in life..