Life's a total mess at the moment. Been transferred to the place I've been dreading most. A lesson learnt throughout this whole process: Never trust people by their outer appearance. Now I'm experiencing the full impact of the phrase "Don't judge a book by its cover".

On a happier note, Boo has been promoted to a higher level of his career. It was on the same day that I received the bad news regarding mine. Was extremely happy for him. He so deserved it after all the long hours he put in, and all the commitments showed. I believe from now on, the road will only rise up to meet you dearie. Will be praying for that InsyaAllah.

I'm quiet lost. Still hasn’t move. Feeling gloomy, especially since I'd have to depart with this new Pc that I've only got the chance to use for not even a couple of month. Ayu, Ami. Mickey. Illis. I need you guys. Wish I could be there with you; wish you're here to make things better for me. To cheer me up. To put a smile on this sour face. :-( *sigh*

Just last night, I kept on having a flashback of my childhood. Of how the things that happened gave impact on my self - esteem.

I remember there was this little girl. She was small, she was beautiful. She was perky and energetic. She came to my house one day with a group of boys and they started to climb and hanging down the white, metal swing. I thought she looked like a monkey. A beautiful monkey. I thought "Oh God! Mum would never allow me to do that". I do envied her. Because she was carefree. She was able to be like the boys while I was expected to be all prim and proper. Ladylike. Yeah, that's the world. L A D Y L I K E . I was expected to be THAT.

From that moment on, she was always coming to the house along with the boys. They played all sorts of games, all of which involved either climbing onto something, or kicking, or roughing each other up. On the other hand, I was always playing alone by myself. Either tending to my dolls; or trying to be a perfect wife and mother in a perfect - imaginery - household full of kids. Cooking delicious meals. Putting my babies (dolls) to sleep. All the while, I'd wear fancy little dresses complete with frilly white socks and accessories mum bought for me.

Then, one day the little girl came to me. Supposed she'd been eyeing me for quite sometime. She told me how uncool it was to wear the fancy dresses. Why not wear pants like her? She told me how girlish and weak I looked wearing the frilly white socks. Her words were like stab to my self-esteem. I was without a friend. Playing all alone while she -in all her glory - was hanging out with the boys and got accepted to be in the clique. That day, she managed to make me feel insecure about myself.

I went to mum. I wanted no more of the frilly socks. Why do I have to wear them? Why do I have to wear the fancy dresses? I wanted to wear pants, wanted to run around in my bare feet. I wanted to be carefree like the little girl was.

Mum got mad. She said I was a young lady. And a young lady wasn't supposed to run around in her bare feet. She was supposed to be prim and proper.

So I continued to behave myself. I continued to wear the cute pink hair clips. I continued wearing my rainbow dress. I carried on playing with my dolls.

The girl? After a while, I realized the way she would be looking at me whenever I wore some new colorful dresses, or fancy hair clips. There was envy in her eyes. She wanted one too. But since she couldn't get it, she wanted me not to have it too. By making me feel like a weirdo wearing all those things. By putting me down. By making me feel bad about myself.

Ever since the incident, I vowed to myself that I’d never do things just to get myself accepted by people. "NEVER DO THINGS just so you could be in the happening clique", I repeated to myself again and again. I’d rather be the loner I was – still am – than be with people who make me feel bad about myself.

And today, the little girl has re-materialized in front of me. I guess I could never run from the girl, or the idea of her. I just have to play along. To prepare and armed my self to deal with her. So that I will hurt no more.

Hey Girlie! Stop hiding behind that innocent mask. Here I am...if you so want it, come out and get me!