I'm here without you

What have i done wrong??I ask myself...Din i treat her well enuf....that she has come to make such a "gruesome" decision...after 4 long years of love....how could she ever do this to me?How could she ever decide to leave me??!!hehehehe...a bit xtereme ey? Don't get the wrong idea readers, she's not only leaving me...infact she'll be leaving her hometown which includes her parents, her brothers (especially the twins) to take up a new assignment as a landscape officer with Jabatan Landscape Negara(dunno the English name)....she'll be reporting this coming Monday.

How "sad" could this be?? ;p...

Let's read a story of our so called "stay close to each other intermittently" love story.We got to know each other mid of 2001...and set eye on each other at the end on that year.She was doing her degree in UIA then, as for me I was having a good time in UPM (this is not true, i was working my a** off to complete my study)...Then in 2002 it all started...I finished my study end of 2002 and i came back to Penang while she stayed there to complete her study. We only have the chance to meet if she comes back during holidays or semester breaks. Then in February 2004 I got a job in Putrajaya, we are close to each other again, that's good news. But not for long. She finished her study in April and came back to Penang. This time, it's my turn to come back home if we are planning to meet. And that only happens during Raya...heh! Now I'm back in Penang (keja kilang ja pon)...I got a job here January this year, and we really enjoyed spending the weekends together..laughing...arguing..and in fact there were a few "breakups" between us...Ripley's believe it or not...but within a few minutes we'll just make up.
I would say that was the longest period we stayed close to each other in a state after campus life....Don't u agree baby?....;p

So today my gal just took the bus with her parents...on her way to KL...I am really...really..really happy for her because she got her dream job as a landscape architect...and furthermore she can already start her saving for our future (if we have one together)...But deep...deep..deep..inside I would always feel the loneliness without her presence here...the main thing is..there's nobody going to bug me anymore for a date during the weekends...I'm totally gonna miss that... Hmmmm.....................

Here Without You

A hundred days have made me older
Since the last time that I saw your pretty face
A thousand lies have made me colder
And I don't think I can look at this the same
All the miles that separate
Disappear now when I'm dreamin' of your face

I'm here without you baby
But you're still on my lonely mind
I think about you baby and I dream about you all the time
I'm here without you baby
But you're still with me in my dreams
And tonight, there's only you and me.

The miles just keep rollin'
As the people leave their way to say hello
I've heard this life is overrated
But I hope that it gets better as we go.

I'm here without you baby
But you're still on my lonely mind
I think about you baby and I dream about you all the time
I'm here without you baby
But you're still with me in my dreams
And tonight girl, there's only you and me.

Everything I know, and anywhere I go
It gets hard but it won't take away my love
And when the last one falls, when it's all said and done.
It gets hard but it won't take away my love

I'm here without you baby
But you're still on my lonely mind
I think about you baby and I dream about you all the time
I'm here without you baby
But you're still with me in my dreams
And tonight girl, there's only you and me




It's Amin's current obsession..Infatuation by Christina Aguilera.

Well, the song's not bad, really..but i just can't stand it when Amin sang it (more like shouting out the lyrics) at the top of his voice in the car. I tried talking to him, giving him my"adorable look", making funny faces. Heck!I tried everything imaginable to get his attention but NO! He's so infatuated with the song that he kept on playing it again and again..croaking to the melody while ignoring the super-duper hot chick sitting besides him (hehe..pardon my mengada-ness, but i'm just trying to mend my broken ego 'ere!)

Now I'm beginning to get jealous of Christina..haha!Call me a jealous freak. I D.U.N C.A.R.E...Maybe I am... :-p


He comes from a foreign place
An island far away
Intrigues me with every move
Til’ I’m breathless, I’m helpless

Can’t keep my cool
Steals my heart when he takes my hand
And we dance, to the rhythm of the band
I feel his finger tips, grip my hips
And I slip as we dip into a state of bliss

Mama used to warn me
To beware of those latin lovers
She said I gave my heart too soon
And that’s how I became your mother
I said ay mama, you seem to forget
I’m not in love yet
Sweet talk don’t win me over

But I realized
Big brown eyes can hypnotize

When he says
I am full blood boricua
Read the tattoo on his arm
He tells me, mami I need ya
And my heartbeat pumps so strong
Getting lost in el ritmo
He whispers te quiero, te quiero
I begin to give in with no hesitation
Can’t help my infatuation
It’s pure infatuation

Skin the color of cinnamon
His eyes light up and I melt within
Feels so good it must be a sin
I can’t stop what I started
I’m giving in
He brings life to my fantasies
Sparks a passion inside of me
Finds the words when I can not speak
In the silence, his heartbeat is music to me

Mama used to warn me
Not to rush love with another
She said I’m not trying to lecture
I just care about my daughter
Ay mama, you seem to forgetI never will let
A man control my emotions
But when he smilesI feel like a little child
When he says

I am full blood boricua
Read the tattoo on his arm
He tells me, mami I need ya
And my heartbeat pumps so strong
Getting lost in el ritmo
He whispers te quiero, te quiero
I begin to give in with no hesitation
Can’t help my infatuation
It’s pure infatuation

Caught between my mama’s words
And what I feel inside
I’m wanting to explore his world
But a part of me wants to hide
Should I risk it, can’t resist it
This has caught me by surprise
Should i, let him take me to puerto rico
I can’t hold back no more

Let’s go tonight... you adore me, never be lonely

I am full blood boricua
Read the tattoo on his arm
He tells me, mami I need ya
And my heartbeat pumps so strong
Getting lost in el ritmo
He whispers te quiero, te quiero
I begin to give in with no hesitation
Can’t help my infatuation
I can’t help, what I’m feeling
Infatuated
Infatuation




Idleness came unto me today. I dun feel like doing any work, what with the empty feeling of the bare office that's been stripped down to nothing, and my boss being busy arranging things for the new office. Hence, i went blog hunting throughout the day.

I stumbled across this blog, an exciting male blog that discuss about all sorts of things, ranging from his personal life up to the global matters.

Reading it front to back (??) i got hooked up on this one post, which he wrote as a Q & A session. The question goes like this :

"Dear Kimster,
What is the best way to inform a friend that you cheated on his girlfriend without getting beaten up?

Yours Sincerely,
Lumpur, via blogosphere "

The question was of course quite common; i've heard these kinda problem happens everywhere but what really caught my attention was one part of his answer, where he stated :

"The real answer to your question is very simple: there is no way on earth that you can tell your friend the truth without being beaten up. For all sense and purposes, you have crossed the line and committed a cardinal sin. You have broken THE GRAND CODE OF UNIVERSAL BROTHERHOOD APPLICABLE TO ALL MEN IN THE WORLD THROUGH THE AGES, or T.G.C.O.U.B.A.T.A.M.I.T.W.T.T.A.

It is a bit too long an abbreviation, so we normally refer to it as THE CODE. This is a rule you will not find written or printed in any statutes or legislation, but it is considered the most important rule of mankind. It has existed since time immemorial and shall continue to exist as long as men roam the earth.

The basic rules (also known as "The Rule of Three") are as follows:-

1) You are not allowed to fall for your mate's girlfriend, no matter how hot she is, and no matter how difficult it is for you to keep your libido in check.
2) You are generally not encouraged to date a buddy's ex, but if you find it absolutely necessary to do so, you are required to ask his permission and appear slightly guilty about it. He, in return, is required to honour the code by granting you his permission.
3) If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off-limits forever. "

I find rule no.3 kinda absurd.

Let's see....

As a woman, i find rule no. 1 & 2 make sense; and it should apply not only to gents but ladies as well. The reason is -I dunno bout other girls - but I definitely wouldn't wanna date or fall for any guy that has a romantic relationship with my girl buddies; even if she's just the friend of a friend's friend. One of the main reason is becoz it would make me feel like a slut with a capital S, who thinks she's super-duper hot, that she could steal any guys she set her eyes on-even if that guy happens to be in a serious relationship. And as I'm no slut, I guess i'm okie with rule no. 1.

Subsequently, if the couple has broken up, then it's a different story altogether. Coz eventhough there might be some complications and hard-feelings in the beginning, i'm sure it can be sorted out by sitting together and explain things out (Provided, the couple have no intention to get back together, that is). So, rules no.2 is also acceptable.

However, rule no.3 is a definite NoNo! ..

I can't - for the light of me - understand the reason why a guy feels that his buddies wouldn't be fit to be in a romantic relationship with his sister. Well, as most of u might know..my partner in love and crime is also one of my brother's buddies. And of coz, we got to know each other through my brother (though not intentionally).

Ironically, it started when we playfully flirted with each other, but at that time he (my dearie soulmate) didn't know that i was my brother's a.k.a his friend's sister. Things got quite far i.e we were beginning to fall for each other, before i finally felt the urge to confess my true identity to him.

And when i did, he was actually so flabbergasted that i thought he was gonna end the whole thing right there and then. He said something to the effect "If i knew u were A's sister, i would've NEVER even flirt with you". On a different note, he also has fallen for my charm aite..thus he braved himself to face my brother like a true gentleman and explained the situation to him.

We went through some complications in the beginning - though none of it relates to my brother or their friendship; and which I'd rather not discuss here - but love prevails. Here we are now, still together after four difficult-yet-the-most-wonderful-we've-ever-had years. And the love keeps on growing stronger.

Well, now u see the reason why i feel that rule no.3 is quite absurd. I'm a sucker for love and romance; and I also happen to belief that love knows no boundaries. It doesn't matter who or what he/she is, as long as there's love, then everything else could be worked out.

It just seems quite unfair that girls dun seem to mind if their girlfriends fall for their brothers while guys make such a big fuss of it. And in that sense I think girls have more freedom to fall for any guys while the guys are more laid back when it comes to finding their true love.

Take for instance, if A has fallen head over heels with B's sister and he's quite sure that she's the one he wants to spend the rest of his life with; he'd have to resist the feeling and keep it bottled up inside just because there's this cardinal rule prohibiting him to fall for his friend's sister. It's kinda bizarre, dun u think??

Hmmm...i dunno. This rule thingy is kinda an abstract thing, isn't it? Some would adhere strictly to it while the rest might not. Anyway guys, care to explain on this? Just to make things clearer for me... that's all... ;-)




Just an update...

I'm kinda happy rite now. I got appointed for my dream job. Well, to tell the truth-not exactly my dream job..but it's much better than the job i'm holding now. It's permanent and stable, a government job. Yes Oeo..aku dah dapat Landscape Architect kat JLN tu. Alhamdulillah, I'm soooo thankful to Allah for giving me the chance. I'm thankful for the oppurtunity, and I'm so overwhelmed. I mean i've been in a very somber mood for the past few weeks, sooo many bad and tearful things happened to me that i feel like i couldn't go on living my life anymore.

Suddenly, came this good news when i'm in the middle of a deep sh*t. Soemthing that lift up my spirit, something that made me look back and see the justice in everything. The Justice of God the Almighty.

Thank You Allah.




I'm in blue...

I went to sleep last night with one bitter thought. One bitter realization. That the one people who i've always thought care about me, actually don't..It was just an illusion...Him caring about my being, i mean. It was actually nice to feel that u have someone to depend on. It was comforting to know that there's someone who'll always be there for u, who will miss u as much as u miss him, who'll be ur eyes when u can't see, be ur strength when ur weak..and be everything when u have nothing.

But last night i found out just how wrong things could turned out to be. It was an illusion.. An illusion created by my deceiving brain just so that it can inflict pain on my heart once the truth be found. Even my body parts have animosity over each other. Oh boy. I'm f*cked up. Oh boy.

I'm so deep in blue...

The pain is excruciating.. The pain of knowing something that u wish u don't. The pain of having to keep it secret from your loved ones. The pain of having no one to talk to over the delicate matters. The pain of having to go through all these pretense. It gnaws your inside, hence the pain...I wish it'll gnaws away everything in me, till i could feel no more... Oh! Just another wishful thinking of mine..

I'm still in blue...

Waking up this morning, i was overjoyed to find that i was in a faraway land..a land where everyone and everything were strangers. It felt good to realize that no creatures alive know who i was or where i came from. It was exhilirating that none of them knew how f*ucked up my life was, the life that i thought i'd left behind, forever......Then, waking up all over again, i realized that it was all a dream. A wishful thinking..Oh boy. I can't describe the disappointment; of finally getting something u've been yearning for as long as u can remember; then having it snatched cruelly away from you- snatched by reality..the bitter reality....

Now you know why I'm in blue....




He has one sinister secret. She wonders why she has to be the one to stumble across their filthy redezvous. His secret made her feel ugly inside, she knew she'd never be the same again...

In the speed of a lightning, her delicate view of life's daintiness has been changed. Changed by a few hideous words. Words she used to cherished. Those beautiful words that once upon a time evoked the sweet tingling sensation in her stomach, now sounded hollow and spiteful to her ears.

With tears shrouding her eyes, she spat out the words forcefully, with such vengeance that it surprised herself.. I....L-LL-LOVE Y-YYOU.. I Love Youu..I ....loooovee...yyyoooouuuu... She wailed like a wounded animal. The sound was pitiful; yet simultaneously it sounded eerie. Minutes passed by. The wail became much louder, that even her darling pussycat scuttled clumsily across the room-to get away from the sudden weirdness that overcame it's mistress.

All of a sudden, the wailing stopped. She sat up rigid in her bed, intensely looking at the cat scratching at the locked door..staring without really seeing it. Her eyes then travelled the length of the beautifully decorated wall, finally settling at the open jar of freshly baked cookies; on the glassy surface of the rounded table. There are hundreds and hundreds of ants crawling all over it. Her mind pondered the scene. A cookie; in the state of freshness and sweetness is always deemed attractive by the ants. But when the sweetness is gone, they'd walk away to find another fresh cookie..And man are just like the ants...

Something clicked in her head right then. The wicked gleam in her eyes was eerie.

Without warning, she jumped out of bed. Walking tenaciously towards the desk, then stopping abruptly right at the spots where the hundreds of ants gathered, she stared down cruelly at the lot. Suddenly she became like a possessed woman.

Banging down her hands hard on the table, she became obsessed with killing the ants. Killing them with her bare fingers. The ants scrambled all over the place, trying to escape the deathly blow from this hyterical woman. She pounded harder and harder, until at once the glass shattered with a piercing noise. Tiny shards of broken glass rained down on her. Standing like a statue, she watched the blood trickling down her pale hands. Instinctively, she let out a low, mournful whimper...

After what seemed like eternity, she turned her heads slowly until her eyes met those of her darling puss. It was cowering against the door, simpering in a tiny, terrified voice. D sound was pitiful, yet she found it to be the most beautiful music she's ever heard in her entire life.

It was then that the look of triumphant glee spread over her beautiful face.









Your view on yourself:
You are intelligent, honest and sweet. You are friendly to everybody and don't like conflict. Because you're so cheerful and fun people are naturally attracted to you and like to talk to you.

The type of girlfriend/boyfriend you are looking for:
You are a true romantic. When you are in love, you will do anything and everything to keep your love true.

Your readiness to commit to a relationship:
You are ready to commit as soon as you meet the right person. And you believe you will pretty much know as soon as you might that person.

The seriousness of your love:
Your have very sensible tactics when approaching the opposite sex. In many ways people find your straightforwardness attractive, so you will find yourself with plenty of dates.

Your views on education:
Education is very important in life. You want to study hard and learn as much as you can.

The right job for you:
You're a practical person and will choose a secure job with a steady income. Knowing what you like to do is important. Find a regular job doing just that and you'll be set for life.

How do you view success:
You are afraid of failure and scared to have a go at the career you would like to have in case you don't succeed. Don't give up when you haven't yet even started! Be courageous.

What are you most afraid of:
You are afraid of things that you cannot control. Sometimes you show your anger to cover up how you feel.

Who is your true self:
You are mature, reasonable, honest and give good advice. People ask for your comments on all sorts of different issues. Sometimes you might find yourself in a dilemma when trapped with a problem, which your heart rather than your head needs to solve.




"Women are like apples on trees. The best ones are at the top of the tree.The men don't want to reach for the good ones because they are afraid of falling and getting hurt. Instead, they just get the rotten apples from the grounds that aren't as good, but easy. So the apples at the top think something is wrong with them, when in reality, they're amazing.They just have to wait for the right man to come along, the one who's brave enough to climb all the way to the top of the tree."

P/S : So Ayu (and Widad if ur reading this), whenever u start to feel lonely and wallowing in self pity..remember that u are among the BEST APPLE aiite.. ;-)