The realization hit right in the middle of my face..

Ever since I was a small kid, I'd always felt that I was different from the rest of the gang. I never did the right thing, never said the right word and never acted the way that was expected of me. Somehow, even as a kid I've always find that if I try to meet people's expectation of me, it'll only leave them asking for more. And when I reach the stage where I just couldn't keep up to their standard and requirements any longer, they're gonna be awfully disappointed in me, and decide I'm not worthy of their attention at all. And where will that leave me? Suffering with a greater pain than that is endurable. Thus deciding that no human on earth is ever worthy of my deference, I stick up to doing what I want and not what they want me to.

So far, I've succeeded in hopping joyfully along that path....

Growing up, I tried and tried to find myself and the meaning of my existence. Countless of times, I've lost my way through the journey. Questions upon questions kept on surfacing in my confused mind.Was I delivered to the earth to bring joy to people around me? Do I matter to one people or another? Does my existence brought with it any meaning to other people's life?

However, after innumerable painful mistakes made, I came to realize that my existance does not affect a single soul, not even in the teeniest way imagineable.

So I ask myself, why bother? Why not create your own world where you will be the only one matters in it? It'll give you total rapture to be the most important being to the only one who matters to you - that is - YOUR.SELF.

Arriving to that conclusion, I started acting on it. And then, they started calling me a self-centered b*tch.

But somehow, I've always known that it'll turn out that way...one way or another.

And so I ask myself again, why bother?....

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Oh, I so long for that secret land where the simplest thing like the smell of roses after a downpour brings the greatest joy in life..




I walked across an empty land
I knew the pathway like the back of my hand
I felt the earth beneath my feet
Sat by the river and it made me complete

Oh simple thing where have you gone
I'm getting old and I need something to rely on
So tell me when you're gonna let me in
I'm getting tired and I need somewhere to begin

I came across a fallen tree
I felt the branches of it looking at me
Is this the place we used to love?
Is this the place that I've been dreaming of?

Oh simple thing where have you gone
I'm getting old and I need something to rely on
So tell me when you're gonna let me in
I'm getting tired and I need somewhere to begin

And if you have a minute why don't we go
Talk about it somewhere only we know?
This could be the end of everything
So why don't we go
Somewhere only we know?

Oh simple thing where have you gone
I'm getting old and I need something to rely on
So tell me when you're gonna let me in
I'm getting tired and I need somewhere to begin

And if you have a minute why don't we go
Talk about it somewhere only we know?
This could be the end of everything
So why don't we go
Somewhere only we know?

** If only I have my own place where no one else is allowed to go except for me. That'd be a total bliss**




It's been a slow morning for me. Woke up late AGAIN today, after successfully coming early to the office for the past three days. Dah start malas balik dah.

Earlier this morning, I got jolted from my dreamy state at around 9 am when all of a sudden someone from admin called and informed me that I've to go somewhere to ganti someone who was supposed to go but didn't turn up at the place. Of all the people...why it was always me yang jadik scapegoat ni?? I'm just so frustrated with all these attitude of you people. Come on, you can't expect me to be the replacement everytime you want me to. As it is, I've got my own things and works to do - just like you people. I know I know..I'm always at the office so you find it easy to just tell me to go here and there instead of going through all the hassle of calling so many people who'd -most of the time- find excuses not to do it.

The mentality of the g*****m**t people... *sigh*

On a different note, been crying myself to sleep these past few nights. I think I've a depression problem. I mean no one has done nothing mean whatsoever to make me feel sad. But still, I'd cry and cry for no apparent reason. Or if there's any rason for it, I can't seem to figure out why. The tears just flow down my cheeks everytime, sampai sakit mata ni. Jangan nanti buta sudah. Haha.Maybe coz it's the time of the month kot. *wink*wink*

Anyway, been listening to this song by "lifehouse" over and over and over again. Sangat suka...sangat puitis, menyentuh hatiku. :-p

You & Me

What day is it
and in what month
this clock never seemed so alive

I can't keep up
and I can't back down
I've been losing so much time
cause it's you and me and all of the people
with nothing to do
nothing to lose

And it's you and me
and all of the people
and I don't know why
I can't keep my eyes off of you

All of the things that I want to say
just aren't coming out right
I'm tripping inwards
you got my head spinning
I don't know where to go from here

cause it's you and me and all of the people
with nothing to do
nothing to prove
and it's you and me and all of the people
and I don't know why
I can't keep my eyes off of you

there's something about you now
I can't quite figure out
everything she does is beautiful
everything she does is right

** My fave by Lifehouse is "Hanging by a Moment" coz it's my very first ever lagu cinta. But tak dapat nak download, so I listen to this one instead. ;-)




Wowwee...what a pleasant surprise to be able to open this thing after such a long time. don't understand this IT geek. sekejap block, sekejap bole. but i do hope that they won't block it nemore after this.

So my sweet fiance, tempoh penaklukan awak ke atas blog ni dah tamat ek...now i'm taking it backk!! yohooo.. ;-p

Hmm, after taking a rest from writing for such a long period, i'm now having a writer's block. aha! writer's block my *toot*. Actually nothing much has been happening in my life lately. Everything is just routine. Waking up late in the morning. Take a quick shower and get dress (i hardly wears any makeup nowadays, not even a hint of rose on my lips). Take a cab to the office since I was always late (everday a lot of money melayang due to this), sampai ofis punch card (merah is the only colour for me nowadays). Buy breakfast and makan at my place while doing my work or surfing the net until 5:30 (more or less), then punch card and go back home. Tengok TV. Iron baju. Gayut on the phone. Bum. The next day, the routine repeats itself. *sigh*

Anyway, the raya celebration was among the finer one for me as finally I got to meet my long-lost (lower secondary) buddies.Thanks to Ayu for arranging the whole jalan - jalan thingy. Aha! awak kata awak besoo...tipuuu ah! U r just as small and cute (yikes!) as u were during school laa. And during the visit to one of the friend's houses I got the news that one of my close buddy in Almashoor - Amilia will be wed just a couple of months earlier than me. Waaah...best friend foreverrrrrr. Ahakz...

Anyway, did I mention that yesterday was my birthday. Ehem.. :-). My housemate bought me a tiramisu cake from secret recipe...yummy! Thanks a lot Noe :-) When told that it was a Tiramisu, Amin said "weh..halai ka tak tu". Haha. Secret Recipe..so halal la beb.

Okay la. Got works to do. Will update more when I'm not busy. Till then..Cheers!

P/S : Getting sick of the glass painting already. And it's not even half complete yet!