When I put my own pictures as my desktop background, people here LOVED saying that I'm obsessed with myself. Maybe I do..so what? Aren't you obsess with yourself too?

Then when I went to these people's cube, had a look at their monitor, and I couldn't have been more surprised. There it was!! A picture of themselves that is BIGGER THAN LIFE, terpampang di skrin monitor mereka. Duh! Who's the obsess one now?

At least I have the courage to mengaku that yes, I love putting my OWN pictures as my background and if you think that's an act of self-obsession then be it. I dun give a darn of what you think. But you..you are so chicken you don't even have the guts to admit that you enjoy having your pictures over there. Instead, you made up stories that your husband made you put it there. Oh! I think, what a sorry excuse you had lah.

Come on lah. Just admit it. There's nothing wrong with having your own pictures as your desktop background kan. People do it all the time.

Hah. Sorry for the emotional entry. Just had to vent out some pent up anger at the world in general. I'm fine already. :-)

Now, I should really go on writing the paper, been sitting on the desk for like..FOREVER!So, Tata for now.




I read about this young women quest in freeing her father from imprisonment. It touched my heart how - when she was only 18 - she had to take on the responsibility and burden as the eldest in the family, to fight for justice on behalf of her daddy, while always having to be tough for her mummy's sake as well.

I might not be able to stand the pressure, if I was in her shoe. Thus, my applause and unconditional respect goes to this young woman with heart of gold.

Regrets, they say, are a part of life. A life led without regrets is a life not well lived. I’ve had regrets, as I’m sure most of us have.

I am not regretful of how my life has turned out, but instead, I am regretful of how slow I was in becoming committed to my ideals, in joining the movement to create a better world.

Life for me began with a certain sense of normalcy. It was definitely devoid of any feeling of youthful idealism until * 199*, when my father was wrongfully imprisoned.

*certain month* of that year saw me as a young teenager without a strong sense of conviction or idealism. They say ignorance is bliss; perhaps that categorically explains much of what I was feeling at that particular time — a time of busy studying and hanging out with friends, unconscious of worldly cares. That month, I wrote a letter to my dear father. It was his birthday present, since there was little choice of material presents in the dusty town of T*****, where I was studying. I wrote it while I was ignoring my lectures and missing my family, especially my father.

I knew little of my father’s student activism back on campus, except for the things that my uncles and aunts would tell me. Father would often joke about his ca***** experiences — or rather, mishaps — about his leadership at one of teh local university, the famous demonstrations that we kids know so little about. His earlier incarceration in 197* was never discussed thoroughly with the rest of us. I wondered how he overcame that particular challenge.

In my letter, I asked him to tell me about all of these experiences, and I eagerly awaited a response. But, as God had planned it, that particular month of 199* arrived the next month. Before I knew it, ironically, we were living the answers to the questions I asked.

Everything happened at once. The world, filled with such innocence and lighthearted candor before, slowly became blurred with uncertainty and apprehension. It was a period of pure darkness and fright, when our only solace came from our belief in God, and the phrase that was constantly repeated was that whatever happens, whatever anyone does to us, God will somehow save us.

A small flicker of hope appeared about a week after my father’s detention. Destiny had it that I should travel abroad — to further the cause for reform in my country, to advance the call for justice, and to reach out to the outside world for their support for our efforts to promote democratic reform in our country. It proved to be one of the most difficult and formidable tasks that I have ever had to perform.

Challenges and choices present themselves in a most peculiar way. I had to decide whether I would meet with the presidents of A & B Counrty to ask for their help. I was eighteen years of age, clueless about world politics, and extremely discouraged.

But there is beauty in being naïve because you never lose sight of hope — hope for a better tomorrow, or in the Asian context, hope for a more constructive diplomacy. I caught a glimmer of that hope as I shook hands with President of A Country and President of B country as well. I remember the risk these leaders took and the kindness they granted to me, the daughter of a prisoner who was wrongfully accused. Yes, maybe it was natural for me to champion my father’s cause, for I am his daughter. But for them, and for the hundreds of thousands of people who have thrown caution to the wind to support our movement for democracy and reform? How did they find the courage to take such risks?

Then, stopping myself, I started to remember the many political prisoners through history who have spent each restless night in an empty, dark, and lonely cell. How on earth did they cope with the bleakness of reality? These people had suffered greatly, but their souls remained strong, their convictions harder than steel.

And slowly, it came to me. I could no longer hide in my cocoon of safety and not knowing. I had to embrace the challenge of being a voice for change, and accept it as the will of God. For, according to the Koran, “On no soul does Allah place a burden greater than he can bear” (Al-Baqarah, verse 286), and there exists hikmah (wisdom) in every experience that graces our life.

As I write this, it has been three years since the imprisonment took place. The reform movement in my country has taken on a quieter tone, with repression of speech, the total government control of mainstream media, and the jailing of opposition leaders. The S*eptember 1*1 te*rrorist att*acks in the United S*tates have led to an increased crackdown on opposition. But all this should not be a seen as a despondent time in the struggle. My heart quaked in fear every time my father made reference to the laboriously long struggle of N*elson M*andela, who spent twenty-seven years in jail before apartheid was successfully abolished. But yet, it did provide a sense of solace and a glimmer of hope for the future. The three years we have spent fighting for reform is not a long time, judging by the normal standards of a struggle, and we will certainly pass through many trials and tribulations before we succeed. “And fight them on, until there is no more tumult or oppression, and there prevail justice and faith in Allah” (Al-Baqarah, verse 193). “And do thou be patient, for thy patience is but from Allah; nor grieve over them, and distress not thyself because of their plots. For Allah is with those who restrain themselves and those who do good” (An-Nahl, verses 127–28).

In living through these dark moments, I have found my answers — the answers to the questions I asked my father, and my own answers for life. These experiences have shaped me into who I am now. In some ways, I am not different from the young, impressionable teenage girl I was before. In other ways, everything — from how I greet each coming day to how meaningful a fatherly hug can be — has changed forever.

We will all encounter questions in this life — simple questions dealing with the mundane to philosophical questions dealing with the meaning of our existence. The important thing is to remember to reach out for the answers, to try with all our might to fulfill our mission to reinvigorate humanity. Never take happiness, love, justice, and all things virtuous for granted. Hold them dearly within your heart, for in all of these virtues lie the essence of God.

And to all this, and so much more, I have one main person to thank and to cherish for the rest of my life — my beloved father.




I have a small box of cute looking and yummylicious strawberries right in front of me (compliments from Mrs. Mariam). I'm currently having a hard time resisting to pop it all in my mouth, coz I'm hoping to get hold of a bar of chocolate, go home, melt it in the oven and cover the strawberries with it before I savour it. Wanted to save some for Mr. Husband but I don't think the strawberries could stand it. Haha! More like me couldn't stand the thought of it being in the little fridge, untouch. Erkkk..whatever am i typing? Please ignore my ramblings lah. I'm just feeling a lil bit dizzy because of the heat, the aircond is not working properly these past few days.

On to a different story, eversince married, I realized that a whole new world has opened up for me. (erk...rasa cam dah penah guna ayat ni ekk??Penah ka??) I mean like, everywhere I go..there'll be talks about babies, people trying to have babies, people having such meaningful life with babies around, mummies wanting to buy their babies this and that. I've a few friends at work trying all they can to conceive, and I pray that they'll succeed. It's a wonder when you look at some people who want to have babies so bad, they'd try to do everything in their power to be able to have at least one. Even do painful procedures in order to be able to conceive *shudder at the thought*. On the other hand, there are many out there who gave birth to illegitimate childs they don't want and many more dim-witted mothers who killed their babies due to reasons known only to them.

But whatever it is, everything comes from God and eveything yang God buat ada reasons behind it. It's for us to contemplate and ambik iktibar from there kan. So, to those yang tak dapat baby yet be patient and TRY HARDER! heh hehe..

And to those yang dah ada baby or babies, jangan plak dok berlagak sangat kata dia ja yang power la apa la. Semua tu dari Allah jugak, He can take it back whenever He wishes to. Bukan mendoakan yang tak baik, but just as reminder la... (coz I actually have a few friends yang macam ni though I doubt they read my blog)

Anyway, I just wanna take this opportunity to ANNOUNCE it here that our friend HernieYonnie has been blessed with a baby..baru dalam perut la. She's pregnant yayy!!! Happy for her, cuma rasa lawak sket la when I first heard the news coz I can't imagine her being pregnant at first. Haha.

But she still come lepaking at the house as usual, as her hubby is far in Perak. She's same like me lah...weekend wifey!

Emmmm.....the call from the strawberries is getting hard to ignore lah! Maybe I should have just a bite...maybe?Erkkk...later then! Tata..




"I'm a city girlll...in a city worrrld..." (nyanyi cam lagu Barbie Girl..huhu).

I love this new layout. It makes me feel so much ALIVE. I feel like a girl living in a BIG BIG city! A city Full of people. I'd be among thousands of others spending time at the city park...playing frisbees! Or maybe just browsing the net u know - seated on the park bench, writing blog... Weeehooo!!

Anyway, thanks to Soraya for making this new layout for me. Kalau harap myself, tak reti and malaih nak baca2 and find out how to do it. So semuanya diserahkan kepada my so-very-nice-friend here, and I only decided on the skin that I wanted to use (courtesy of Fedora Girl - whoever she is- from blogskin.com).

So Ayu, awaknyer bila lak nak tukaq??? ;-p




I'm so tired. My body aches all over. Despite that, I enjoyed my (last) weekend very much.

Amin got here at around 3am on the Saturday morning, Awis sent him straight to the house. Woke up VERY late that morning and went for lunch at the nearby departmental store. After lunch, since Amin told me a couple of days before that he wanted to have spaghetti for dinner, we went to get the supplies needed. Called mak and she suggested that we have Abah over for dinner, so called up Abah and they agreed to come.

As soon as we got home after that - which was around 4pm - I started with the preparation of the ingredients untuk buat meatballs and spaghetti sauce. Boy I never thought that cooking can be so tiring, especially after standing and walking here and there for 4 straight hours. Even with help from Amin, my body still ached after everything was completed.

It's the first time really, that I had people over for dinner. The meal was simple of course, and I didn't even have the complete set of pinggan mangkuk and stuff. We had our meal on the floor as we still haven't got dining table at home. It wasn't the perfect dinner like some of those newly weds hosted for their friends and relatives, but I think the fact that everyone enjoyed gathering that night was enough. So the imperfections tu kira forgiven lah kot. Betoi dak Emi?? hehehe.

And that night, Amin thanked me again and again for hosting the dinner - though for no reason that I could see as it was my family who came over.I guess he was just plain happy. :-)

Oh. And Yong, sorry tak invite you coz it was really an impromptu decision to invite Abah for dinner. Takut plak everything didn't turn out okay so tak berani nak invite ramai2. Next time, we'll make it proper and insyaAllah will ajak everyone. :-)

On a different story, I can't help but notice this one gentleman - who's also a boss in another department - giving me a cold, silent treatment. I've noticed it for more than 2 months now, and I have this strong hunch that it was because of what my ex-partner (in my ex-department) said in one of the departmental meetings previously. This ex-partner, though a guy, has a tendency to talk bad about people even worse than makcik - makcik.

Maybe he felt that what I did was wrong but it doesn't give him the right to go and spread it all around to everyone, does it now?And this judgmental boss pulak, what has it got to do with him that he decided he had to be cold towards me. Macam saya buat salah kat dia pulak. And being egoistic, I now will look another way whenever I pass by him, just the way he would when he passed me by.

Have to attend a meeting in a few minutes time. Will update more later.




Today's Friday, and Friday has always been the much anticipated day for me. The reasons were quite obvious if you ask me; firstly tomorrow is cuti day. Secondly, Friday is the day where hubby will be taking a coach to come see me here in KL.

I miss him a lot..I do! *wink*wink*

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Anyway, last couple of days I went to this meeting at somewhere in H*ulu L*angat. It was a technnical plus s*ite meeting attended by us, various consultants and the contractor. Held at one of the park, at the site office.

The meeting started around 3 in the evening, and it finished quite later into the night. As I didn't managed to get the driver to send me there (coz I didn't booked earlier as I forgot that I had a meeting that day..sigh...I'm so senile nowadays!), I had to call a cab to go there in the first place. Thus, when the meeting ended I started to worry as to how I was gonna go back. The area was quite sunyi and bila dah malam tu..of coz it became dark and empty. What's more, it's quite hard to get a cab there. Even if I call the cab service I wasn't sure how long they'd take to arrive there.

The bosses lived nearby, and I didn't really counted on them to send me to at least the nearest commuter station. However, since I didn't had any other choice I did asked help from one of them to send me there. He seemed quite reluctant, and that made me hated my job and the agency even more. I ( can't stop) cursed and cursed all of them, but dalam hati only lah. Even the main c*onsultant was reluctant to drop me off somewhere as they said they only used the highway to go back to their office.

Anyway, this one lady engineer overheard me asking the boss and while I was about to go out of the room she came to say hi. She was new in this project as she'd just joined the company and took over the task from the previous engineer. She was nice. She asked me where I was heading to and when I told her my destination she said it's not that far from hers. She said that her staff is going to drop her of at the commuter station before he headed off to the office so why not follow them. I was so relieved at this point that I quickly nodded my head and smiled as wide as I could.

In the car, I noted that when this lady talked to her staff..kekadang tu ada kluar familiar accent, so I asked her..orang utara kah. And yes, it turned out that she's from AS. We clicked instantly, most probably because she's the type who talks a lot and sooo friendly and nice. I mean if it's left to me..I'd just keep quiet during the whole journey but as she had a lot to ask and tell, her cheerful demeanour sort of rub off on me.

Anyway, most of the time on the train, we were discussing on the challenge of working women nowadays. Especially for women with jobs like ours. How it is that we think it's better for women to actually be a housewife so that she can give full attention to her husband and family, but at the same time the demand of the world today left us with no other choice but to work. Unless if your husband is filthy rich, then that'd be a different story altogether lah.

Cakap punya cakap, we reached KL S*entral in no time at all. There we headed off into our own separate ways. But before we separated, we traded personal phone numbers so that we could keep in touch not only through business. We'll be seeing each other in a month's time as the meeting is done once a month.

I'm glad that I finally made friends with someone I feel comfortable with. At least now I won't be bored out of my wits everytime I attend the meeting. :-)




Hey now now, they'll find you when you're sleeping
they'll reach in and grab what you're dreamin'
cut it up and slip it back in, and I know, and I know, and I know, and I know it

Hey now now, the smallest things are crushing me now
the crush crush crush is so comforting now
did the earth just slam in the sun, and I know, and I know, and I know, and I know it

won't undo their past by walking and talking backwards

Hey now now, we're goin' down down
and we ride the bus there and pay the bus fare
or we find a new reason, a new way of living
and we breathe it in and try to dream again
Hey now now, they'll find you when you're sleeping, now now
they'll reach in and grab what you're dreamin', now now
cut it up and slip it back in and I know, and I know, and I know, and I know it

Hey now now, the smallest things are crushing me now
the crush crush crush is so comforting now
did the earth just slam in the sun, and I know, and I know, and I know, and I know it

won't undo their past by walking and talking backwards

Hey now now, we're goin' down down
and we ride the bus there and pay the bus fare
or we find a new reason, a new way of living
and we breathe it in and try to dream again

p/s : Anybody has the mp3??can please send to my email kah?? :-)




In my entire life, I can't seem to run away from people who considered themselves to be of greater class than me and people who loved putting me down.

There's this lady in my current life who - I suspect - thinks that she's better than everyone in terms of looks, style and every other aspects of personal being. She looks okay I guess, but only because she went to such great length to maintain her body. Whenever she started bloating she'd go to slimming centers and such, everytime. I don't mind that she wants to do everything she could to maintain her beauty..maybe that's what her husband expects of her. Maybe that was what made him fell in love with her in the first place. But the thing that I couldn't stand is how she'd put down others - especially me - whenever we got together for a chat.

Recently, one of my favourite past time is to look through various websites, and the entries that usually caught my eyes are the wedding entries.

One day, the lady in question said something to the effect . "Did u have a look at *this particular* photographer's site?Notice tak ada gambar this one GEMOK lady yang tangkap gambar daring daring? Euwwww...that's just so geli. Kalau kurus takpa la". (see how mean she can get sometimes). I noted that when she said this, she managed to make ME feel as if I was the one she was talking about.Don't ask me how, you just have to be there to know it. And she was making such disgusting faces when she said this that I wanted to smack her and shout "Hey! Go look into the mirror and look at your disgusting face with all your skins peeling out. Surely your husband-to-be would be disgusted to kiss your cheeks ekk". Oh well, that was too harsh I know, but dammit. This lady...she thinks worldly of herself. And I can't help but wishing that something would happen to make her realize that she's not THAT good or perfect after all.

I used to love speaking to her. Asking her opinion on matters I thought I wasn't very good at. However, one day another friend of mine expressed her wonder on the reason for me to keep on going to this girl when obviously, she was belittling me. It made me realize then that everytime after I talked to this lady, I'd feel bad about myself. I'd feel like I'm the ugliest, fattest girl there ever is. I'd feel like I'm so uncool compared to everybody else in this world. The way she speaks about things, it'd made people think that she's the grandest one ever alive.

And then I started to see the real picture. I started to see that she's not that grand after all. Of coz she talks as if she wears ONLY good branded clothes and she owns only qualities expensive stuff, and she's the better one among us with a more than a perfect life. But that's because she wanted to make up for things that she wasn't able to achieve. Maybe she got satisfaction by making people THINK that she's better than them, but after I took a good, careful look at her and compare it with myself, I guess there were times that I did better than her, in certain things that is.

The conclusion I made about her is that the girl is so full of herself, she cannot accept the fact that some people has more than her, in certain things. Especially those she looked down on.

Today, she made some other remarks about my wedding day. I only had to laugh when I heard about it, as I saw it as another attempt of her to cover up her jealousy and telling herself that she's better. Haha.

I say good luck little friend. I hope you find happiness with whatever it is that you're trying to achieve. And mean as I am, I still pray that you'll truly find happiness always.

Your Uncommon Name Is:

Zack Gaylord Crooker

Your Uncommon Name Is:

Divina Delila Swims

Been reading a college girl's blog yesterday, which brought back memories of my own college (university) years.

I still remember the euphoric feeling I felt the day I knew I got accepted into the university...


The thing is, when I received my SPM result, the first thing that came to my mind was "Owww!! I expected something a lil better than this." But after a while, comparing my results to few of my close buddies, I thought that "Hey, I didn't do that BAD after all". The relatives all congratulated me on my result. Eventhough some in the family had done better, but still my result was quite okay during that time.

However, the duration during the penantian (suatu penyeksaan) for the UPU application to get through was about the worst time of my life. Everytime I called, the operator would be saying "Maaf, dukacita dimaklumkan rekod anda tiada dalam sistem" - or something to that effect. Abah was disappointed in me when he himself, just like the rest of the family (myself included) thought that I'd failed to secure a place in any of the local U. He'd be lecturing on and on about how he'd told me to study hard and this was the reason for it. He'd be saying that maybe after this I could go to work at the local factory or something and start to earn my own living. Mak was being a tad more helpful by offering to send me to private college.

I, being a rebellious girl who thought she was being mistreated, of coz would sulk and storm off into THE room, locked up and cried my eyes out after each "torments" from abah. I thought that maybe I should not bother with studies anymore and go to work after all. At these times, the only solace I found was in the company my two best friends, Mickey and Feezah.

Anyway, not long after Mickey got into UiTM (which was earlier than the rest of the gang) I found out that both myself and Feezah got accepted into another local university. I was at my happiest during that time, as I got to prove to all that my result was good enough to be accepted into that university.

Registering into the Matriculation center, I was in awe with the campus life. As I'd never live in a hostel before, I was kinda excited when I found out that I'd be sharing rooms with other girls. And I got to do whatever I pleased whenever I wanted to. The only thing that spoilt it for me was that we had to do every chores by ourselves. But still, I was not to give up my new found freedom over those small matters, would I?

However, not long after, I found that I didn't enjoy the campus life as I thought I would. I missed my friends terribly, and I missed being at home. I missed pinching my little brothers (out of sheer boredom) until they cried, and I missed playing with them. Eventhough Feezah got into the same university, but we rarely saw each other anymore. She was adapting with the new surrounding and new friends more easily than I did. Even Mickey enjoyed her new life in UiTM, and I felt more alone than I'd ever felt in my entire life.

Following this, I started to isolate myself from the rest of the university students. I went back to my grandma's house (at Kelana Jaya) almost every weekend, and sometimes even on weekdays. Poor Yong had to pick me up from campus weekly and bring me back to Toksu's house. There, I felt more at home being with my young cousins, joking around, going to movies and malls and so on.

It was during the matriculation years that I got into a couple of relationships that turned out badly for me.

I feel like I learnt a lot more about life in the 1 and 1/2 years of my matriculation than I did in my former years of living.

Going into main campus, I started to adapt myself to the campus life. I actually found myself enjoying living at the college (Hafsa) and sharing rooms with different people for every semester. Some of my roommates were cool (especially this one Aussie girl), while some annoying. But still, as I always had a compartment to myself..I was able to be alone whenever I felt like it and be with companies when I desired..the whole arrangement suited me nicely.

And it was in my second year here that I got to know this man whom I'd never thought I would be spending the rest of my life with. :-)

I made more friends during my university years than I did in my entire life. Eventhough I found that the friendships with these new friends were not as true as those with my school friends, I learnt to accept whatever that it has to offer.

A few years back, I never thought I'd say this. But whenever we take a stroll (drive actually) around the campus these days (at night usually), I felt a kind of melancholy looking at the peaceful college buildings and the empty classroms. I miss friends who added colours to my life. I miss going to the TV room and watched TV with strangers (other students whom I didn't know). I even miss the Teh ais sold at the college canteen , and I miss my peaceful (beauty) sleep in my purrty purple room.

And now I just can't help admitting it... I MISS MY LIFE IN UIA. ;-)




I'm going to write about something a bit sensitive today. It's about racial issues and judgement we passed on other people.

Just the other day, I went to this photo shop to print out our wedding pictures untuk di distributekan to all relatives. There were two young girls behind the counter who - from my first impression - looked like a typical uneducated malay girls. It's not that I have anything against uneducated people. Only that I've had bitter experiences with some of them - NOT ALL - especially ladies. Let's just say that the conclusion I made from those encounters with these people is that they like to speak without using their mind.

And so, here I came into the shop to print the photos. Handing over my USB drive to the girl - let's call her Miss A - I told her that I wanna print those photos. While Miss A plugged it into the port, the other girl - shall we call her Miss B? - with heavy makeup plastered on her face, sitting "demurely" on the metal stool, looked briefly at me and then continued flipping through pages of albums. A minute later, a picture showing Amin and I during the cake cutting ceremony appeared on the screen.

At that precise moment, I heard a voice said out loud "EH! Hitamnya boyfriend diaaa!!!", coming from the demure Miss B. I felt blood rushing to my head at the very moment. Without looking at her, I just give out instructions to Miss A on which pictures to print and how many copies to make.

Dissatisfied with my passiveness, Miss B came over to the counter and asked me "Kakak kahwin ngan I*dia ke?* . I looked at her with a determined look in my eyes and said "Tak". Then she asked "Abis tu mamak ker" and my reply was "Yes. Why?". And then, she was like..."Takla...akak ni cantiiikkk...ermm...ermmm..".

At that moment, aku memang dah hangin sangat la ngan budak ni. "Apsal, TAK BOLE KA????", my voice started to become high-pitched dah. Luckily Miss A interrupted saying that "apala kau ni, dah jodoh orang lagi sibuk nak tanya itu ini". After that Miss B started to question me on the reception, such as "buat kat mana tu"..."nampak macam dewan, mesti mahal kan" and other kind of passing comments. I just gave her that talk to the hand look without answering any of the questions.

From that 10 minutes encounter, I came to the conclusion that Miss B is a poor kampung girl who dreams of marrying a rich, handsome man. Preferably one with a title. Furthermore, being uneducated I think her only way to live up to the dream is to dress up like a diva (in her mind maybe she thought she managed to look like one) and wait for her Prince Charming to come and print his photos there, take one look at her and fall head over heels in love.

Oh, good luck then Miss Diva. May all your dreams come true. If not in this lifetime, maybe the next one. (Kalau tak paham lagi, tunggu kucing bertanduk la maknanya tuuu...)

“You can educate a fool, but you cannot make him think”~
The Talmud Quotes